R.I.P. dookie

I'm posting this blog in a dookie brown color in loving memory of the dookie that I have helped pass away this weekend.   RIP dookie!

My son is turning 12 next Tuesday.  Congratulations, Austin.  And for his celebration he requested a over night sleep party. (I was under the assumption that sleeping would be at least optional) I bravely accepted this with the understanding that there would be 4 or less children invited to stay.  At approximately 6pm Friday night I had the 5th one show up at the door in the pretense of, "i'm not sure if I'm only invited to the party tomorrow or if I was supposed to be staying the night too."  Where are my emoticons when I really need to insert a shocked face? How do you tell a little boy, NOPE you're just supposed to come tomorrow, you aren't invited to enjoy a ounce of this (standing aside and waving my Vanna White hand at the ensuing ciaos that was unfolding around me)... and by the way, don't forget to bring a really expensive gift when you come back tomorrow... he likes large bills the most!-  Holy Crap, come on in... and who are you? What is your mother's name and phone number again? 

So that was the beginning of a very eventful night. I was shot about 6 times, caught from behind with a dagger to my neck twice, light sabored through what I can only imagine was my spleen and then... i find one of the little darlings "plunging" the toilet on his own... of course he denied that the massive turds were his and admitted to being the good Samaritan that just goes from village to village doing good deeds of plumbery.  I gladly removed the plunger from his grasp and finished the job, followed by cleaning the soiled water from around the toilet on the floor. 
I made my first formal request of the night.  

Please report all toilet incidences to Management for the proper handling procedures. Thank you!  Love sincerely and gaggingly, Management   AKA: Austin's mom.

Hot Dog Break

Then we had a time for food. Hot dogs, chips, cheese dip (the kind from those HUGE 6lb Y2K cans in the area of Wal-Mart that makes you feel like you need to open your own soup kitchen), and every kind of snack cake made by nearly every distributor.  PLUS:  some purple melt your brain out Mt. Dew and Dr. Pepper (and other drinks that they didn't consume because the caffeine level wasn't high enough and they were afraid of the impending crash) 

Then I was informed that the gang had settled down to watch a movie on HBO... so I immediately run to check... rated R, for Violence and Sexual Content... plus the review said something about murdering people....  can we say, NO SIRS!  Although they tried to reassure me that the Sexual Content was obviously over because that kind of stuff always happens early in a movie (excuse me?  how would you all know this?)

So I go to take my shower and try to get in bed. When coming out of the shower I overhear my delightful child telling his friend and I quote,  "DUDE! Calm down unless you wanna be sat down? My mom is trying to sleep and when she's trying she isn't playin'."

I rejoicing went to bed and slept almost peaceably until a little before 5am when I get the impending poke poke poke poke on my shoulder. Rousing laboriously from my slumber I am informed that Garrett has thrown up in my floor. Thankfully it was on the hard wood and I could let it sit long enough to "cool off" before attempting to clean it up. (i also got some on my hand--ack!) I'm telling you now.... NEVER again will I feed children ALL U CAN EAT HOTDOGS and not send them straight home. (That one went home at 5am).

The next morning when I got up again, I began to clean my house for the upcoming party and realized that I needed to clean the bathroom that the boys had been using because someone had crapped all over the sides of the toilet and I assume someone else, had thrown up in the sink... and they broke the rules of Management and didn't tell me about either! 

The party was fun, quick and ROWDY. We had about 25 kids show up. Some I'm not even sure of their names or how they came and went.  Austin got some really nice gifts and while unwrapping them all said not one word... and was dressed in his brown jedi robe (dookie brown) with his brown beard... and a pair of Sunglasses. He looked rather like a cross between Moses and one of the ZZ Top guys.  He did however, point and nod approvingly at the people who gave him presents... more so to the people who gave cash ($140 total- didn't MY birthday just pass? Where's my cash?)  His cousin Brenden looked at me and whispered, "That's alot of money, do you think Austin will give me his invitation list so I can invite the same people to my party?"

Someone gave the dog masking tape!!!

After the party was over, Douche (AKA- Austin's Father) decided to leave his girlfriends kids to stay the night too... because he conveniently forgot which night they were SUPPOSED to be here.... so I still had kids until Sunday morning.  *sigh*   and I've been cleaning my house for the past 7 hours.... it's ALMOST clean!